Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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