We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
