The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
