Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
