normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
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His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
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I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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