I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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