I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I could fuck to npr.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested