I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
