1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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