I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
