so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
