Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
The beer is more important than you right now.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
