Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
