Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
