Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
