guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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