Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
