and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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