seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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