The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
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But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
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He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
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