I checked into jail on foursquare
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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