It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
