i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
