Umm I'm too high to move.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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