Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
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