Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Randomize
