Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Randomize
