I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
he thought i was a dude.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
