literally had 100 drinks last night.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
