Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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