dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
