He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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