the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
