this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
