i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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