I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
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It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
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if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?