i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
These 23 People Had Sex With Someone From Completely Different Cultures
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
25 Medical Facts That Need To Be Common Knowledge
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up