the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.