somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
