Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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