sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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