if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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