Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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