1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
