I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
