she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
