Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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