my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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