the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
