There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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