I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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