we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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