Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
